The Adventures of Broody McBroodyson and Neurotic O'Insecurity
by imp

The Adventures of Broody McBroodyson and Neurotic O'Insecurity

imp

Summary

Together, they fight crime!

Notes

None

Chapter One

"I don't see why I have to go with you," she said. "Damon's the one with the super-awesome I-eat-people powers."

"Because Damon isn't going to go to to West Virginia with me to hunt down a rogue vampire."

"He goes with Elena on their stupid field trips," Caroline said. "How is that different?"

Stefan gave her a broody look. Oh. "I didn't mean it like that," she said crankily.

"You need to eat," Stefan said. It was true, but it was also his way of telling her she was being a jerk. Like this whole thing was her fault, or something.

"Ugh," Caroline said, and started sniffing out a rabbit.

||

They stopped so Stefan could eat just outside of the capital of West Virginia, which totally had a name that Caroline had forgotten something like five times. "Now," Stefan said once he'd finished, "see if you can guess where the vampire will be. He's new, so he should stick out like a sore thumb."

"Why don't we have vampdar? And don't you think it's kind of weird that this city has wildlife, like, three miles from the apartment buildings?"

"You'd be surprised," Stefan said. "I never once hunted the rabbits of Central Park to extinction."

"I'm so glad I know that," Caroline said. "That was sarcasm, by the way."

"Got it," Stefan said. "So. Find the vampire."

Caroline thought it over. "The graveyard? Total stereotype. Like, in a crypt, or something."

"It's worth trying," Stefan said. "Let's go."

||

Three graveyards later, Caroline was bored. "How many dead people can West Virginia have?" She kicked at a tombstone. "This sucks."

"Be patient," Stefan said. "The bodies were all found near graveyards. We'll find him."

Caroline was outraged. "And you didn't tell me? God, I have no idea why Elena dates you."

Stefan smiled mysteriously. The sun was setting, and Caroline had to admit, he looked kind of sexy. In an annoying, broody way. "We -"

"Oh, God, do not tell me what a vampire sex god you are," she said. "You're both so happy, it's disgusting."

He had his I Am A Grownup face on again. "You'll find someone else, you know."

She looked away. "Everyone says that, and it's the crappiest thing ever. I don't want someone else. I want Matt."

Stefan was pretty much the only guy who wouldn't tell her that she should just go ahead and get back together with him. Caroline wasn't sure if that was hypocritical or not. "I'm sorry."

"You'd better be," Caroline said, and kicked in yet another crypt door.

And a vampire jumped on her head.

||

Stefan totally, completely, one hundred percent did not save her life. Caroline would have been fine. He did save her hair, though.

"I left the rope in the car," Stefan said. He was sitting on the guy's back. The guy was wiggling so hard that the whole thing looked sort of disturbing.

"Why'd you do that, Einstein? Ugh, stop it." She kicked the guy in the face. His neck snapped, and he passed out.

When she looked up, Stefan was frowning at her. "You didn't have to do that."

"Yeah, but it worked, didn't it?"

"Even vampires have to have morals, Caroline."

"Next time," she told him, "I'm fighting crime with Damon."

"What the hell is wrong with you guys?" The vampire's voice sounded all raspy and weird. Probably because his neck was still healing.

"What's wrong with you? Hello, we're not the ones who've been killing innocent people."

"You're vampires, you fucking freaks. That's the whole point."

"I disagree," Stefan said mildly.

"And you have to do what we say, or we'll stake you," Caroline added. Stefan glared at her, but the guy looked scared.

"Jesus, lady, I'd hate to be your boyfriend."

Caroline sort of wanted to stake him for that. Instead she burst into tears.

She was kind of busy feeling her whole world crashing down, but she distantly heard the guy said, "What a freakshow."

"You're not very creative, you know," Stefan said, and staked him.

God, she probably had the world's most epic raccoon eyes. "Thank you," she sniffled.

"Don't mention it." Stefan brushed his handx off and got off the body. "I don't think he was going to see things from our point of view, anyway."

Caroline could feel her mood shooting back up. "Being a vampire kind of sucks," she said, wiping under her eyes.

"In more ways than one."

"Still not interested in your blowjobs," Caroline said. "Hey, does being vampire enforcers mean we can get donuts? Because my metabolism is amazing these days."

"Sure," Stefan said. When he walked past her and towards the exit, he patted her shoulder. It was very uncle-y, and Caroline surprised herself by being pretty okay with it.

||

"I'm just saying," Caroline said, holding a box with four donuts, "the next time we go fight crime, it should be somewhere cooler than West Virginia."

"Who said we were going to do this again?"

"Please." Caroline settled back in the passenger's seat and held the box out so Stefan could take another donut. "Telling the story about the one time you went to go fight crime in West Virginia would be lame even for you."

"You sound like Damon."

Caroline gasped. "Take that back."

"Give me the last chocolate glaze."

"Over my dead body," Caroline said. "Deader body, whatever."

"Whatever you say." He paused. "You and Damon would get along really well, though."

"I am going to kill you," Caroline said, and took a sprinkle donut, pushing the chocolate one to the end of the box closer to him.

"Who would take you on field trips then?"

Caroline thought about the vaguely haunted look on Elena's face when she had to spend too much time with Damon. "Oh, fine. You're okay. I guess."

"You, too," Stefan said, and sped up just a little. The hills were getting smacller and smaller; they'd be close to Mysic Falls in an hour or so.

Caroline settled back into her seat to wait.